Hurt
by littledarkangelhippie
Summary: "I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real..." Sasusaku. Warning: Drug use and sex. But not explicit.


**A.N.****: So I while I was visiting my adorable grandma, I stayed in a crappy motel that was freezing cold, listening to some troubled teens laugh and whistles blaring and screams, and woke up to the police crowding the parking lot as a man was cuffed and taken to prison for some reason I'll never know. While I had been in my hometown, my brother showed me how to download music into my phone and I downloaded this one out of a whim. I listened to it as my troubled mother and little brother slept in the bed after eating some greasy fast food from McDonald's. I was inspired to write this and I hope you like it. **

**Warning****: Drug-use, cutting, and sex. Don't read if you can't handle it. But it's not as bad as it could be.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own **_**Naruto **_**or any of the characters mentioned. I do not own the song either.**

**Hurt**

_I hurt myself today,_

_To see if I still feel._

_I focus on the pain,_

_The only thing that's real…_

X

It became apparent to me that this ache in my heart would never go away. I became numb to it at one point, and hoped against all hope that things would lighten up. But they didn't. No amount of laughter, smiles, or light-hearted rivalry changed that. I had been wistfully hoping that the people around me could change the world I'd come to know. I had been horribly, horribly wrong. The ice-cold feeling in my chest spread until it covered my entire body. Numb, unfeeling, cold… No amount of warmth, embraces, or challenging grins thawed me. I could see the way it affected the people around me, the way they reacted to me, the way it worried the people who deemed to care about me. But in the darkness of my home, I could see the blood and the hard, cruel stare of two red eyes I hated with a passion. People surrounded me during the day, outside in the village I wasn't sure I entirely called home, but at night, I was all alone in my room, in the blackness because I couldn't bear to look outside at an empty night… No one was there to look after me, watch over me, to protect me from my memories. And that's how it all started.

As a deep, scarring pain tore through me, I stumbled through my house, gasping for breath. I was drowning. I felt like I was _drowning, _yanked under black waters by cold, clammy hands, arms tied behind my back with claws tearing through my skin, cutting into the bone. My cries were silenced and my mouth was filled with freezing liquid that tasted like blood, like copper and _fear _and—

I didn't know how I'd gotten into my kitchen, or how I'd managed to find a knife, but I didn't care. Against my pale skin, crimson bloomed and forced trails down along my arm, and it was so _beautiful _and the pain blinded me for a few moments, and the numb feeling in my body was _gone. _I gave a groan and I wasn't sure what it was from. From the pain of the cut or the relief rising off my shoulders. It was short lived and I desperately slashed another red line, sloppy but I knew I'd get better. Practice made perfect, and I wanted to be the best.

I'd do anything to forget. Even hurt myself.

X

_The needle tears a hole,_

_The old familiar sting…_

_Try to kill it all the way,_

_But I remember everything._

X

Behind closed eyes, it replayed all over again. Every single second, played so slow… _So torturing and slow… _I add another gash along with the rest. Across my forearm, hidden beneath those stupid arm warmers. Along my ankles, legs, stomach… But it wasn't enough. Not anymore. The pain wasn't enough anymore. _God, why can't it be enough? _I wandered through _empty _streets, feeling _empty _inside, thinking _empty _thoughts when I found a hooded man in an alley. He was smiling a dangerous smile, teeth flashing in the moonlight, yellow and feral and _bad. _ I knew this man could hurt me, but that only prompted me to approach him. I couldn't hurt myself anymore. Maybe someone else could…

"Hey, kid," he greeted in a raspy, deep voice. That voice spoke of hardships and toxicity and things I did not understand. I wanted to understand. He stood in the shadows, cloaked in darkness, eyes glowing and grin wild. I didn't go any closer than where I was; I stopped at the very edge of the shadow's reach, regarding him silently in mild interest, careful to keep my face expressionless. It was when I saw his eyes slip over my arms that I realized I'd forgotten to cover them. I didn't hide them. _Let him see, _I thought. _It's not like I know him anyway. _When his grin widened, I suddenly wondered if he was sane. "I see," he murmured. "Here, take this." He held out a small box.

"What is it?" I asked, my voice, strangely, unsure and uneven. I was afraid. I was scared of what this man offered me. I didn't know what would unfold before me tonight if I took that box. But his gaze said he understood me, and he was no longer smiling that strange smile. Maybe…it wouldn't be too bad… I walked forward, feeling a little colder when the shadows swallowed me, almost lost, but the box was an anchor and I clutched to it gratefully. The box promised me something and I hugged it to my chest, staring up at the man with wide eyes, more vulnerable than I'd ever been, and to a complete stranger.

"It'll take you places, kid." He opened it and revealed the contents inside. "I'll show you how to do it once. After that, you're on your own."

"Why are you giving me this?" I asked as he tied a knot around my arm and tapped at glass twice lightly.

He met my eyes briefly as he wiped a cool liquid on my skin. A pinch and bliss filled me so thoroughly I sighed happily and closed my eyes. Not numb. Not pain. Just peace and pleasure coursing through my veins. "I've hurt, too," was all he said.

That's all I needed to hear.

X

_What have I become,_

_My sweetest friend?_

_Everyone I know goes away_

_In the end…_

X

Cobalt eyes burned into my own, surely rimmed in red, highlighted with the dark shadows that saved me, and wide with the excitement my body couldn't stop trembling with. I shook and scratched at myself, at cuts and holes hidden beneath dark fabric, and I knew I must've been quite the sight. But I didn't care. The hurt, the bliss, and the pleasure I found in a needle and clear liquid was all I needed. Composure and balance and control were nothing to forgetting. _Forgetting…_ Those eyes asked a million questions but were put into one simple sentence that was almost my undoing: "What happened to you?"

His voice was husky, eyes glistening, brows furrowed, but he stood stock-still, strong and brave like I hadn't been. He didn't need what I craved and hungered for and coveted to ignore what had happened. Just the people around him and the smiles and laughter and jokes bubbled around him. He didn't understand. He could never understand. The warmth of his smile, the kindness in his eyes, the gentle way he spoke to the people he cared about, could not save me like a steel blade and a carefully cleaned thin needle could…

"You don't know _anything,_" I hissed in realization.

X

_And you could have it all,_

_My empire of dirt._

_I will let you down._

_I will make you hurt…_

X

Again I found it wasn't enough. _Just one more thing. _I could only let myself be comforted by _just one more thing. _It was in emerald eyes and pink silken locks and lightly tanned skin. A sweet smile and her voice speaking my name softly and I thought she was _perfect. _It was elaborate but surprisingly easy to lure her into my saddening domain and into my bed. She welcomed me and was tender and passionate and loving, and it was _too much. _I didn't want her love. I wanted the pleasure, carnal and primal and angry, that only she could give me. No one else. No one else. _No one else. _I wanted my lover to know, _know _how it's like to hurt.

And so I hurt her.

Tears streamed down her rosy cheeks and I could not escape her green eyes. Illuminated by the moonlight that seemed to have broken through the holes in my curtains, holes I've torn in my anger and frustration, and every bit as beautiful as the blood that spilled down my pale-white skin, and now painted her own in my hate, causing her a tangible sorrow I tasted as I traced pert pink coral tips, tiny and endearing on small swells with my tongue, _hungry _for her. "Sasu—" But I covered her mouth with my own. I didn't want to _hear _her sadness. Only taste. _Just taste… _

A sob was muffled in my mouth and she held onto me, clung to me like a lifeline, like I clung to her, to a knife, to a needle and a sweet liquid I never lapped up like I did her own sweet liquid, feeding off on her cries and moans, tortured as they were, every bit as much a prisoner as I to the pleasure she caused, received, offered… Hot salty, clear liquid, cleared by my tongue, escaped her squeezed shut eyes, over her soft black lashes, tracing her lips and then her teeth and a scorching kiss that mimicked the hot, slick movement beneath sweaty sheets and tangled limbs.

She gave a startled, strangled cry, a mixture of pleasure and pain that made me shiver and eyes glaze. She tensed and held me so _tight, _tight like her body and wet heat and satin muscles wrapped around me and dragging out my own howl… Burning, red lines scratched along her thighs, purple on her hips in the shape of my hands, and she hid her face in my pillow, shoulders shaking and smothered weeping and whimpers that I ignored as I licked the blood clean and massaged her hips so gently, and then a sweet liquid I could taste but never course through my body and _craved _every bit as much… Moans and sighs and I captured every drop as she drifted into an uneasy sleep.

_You wanted this, _I wanted to tell her. _You wanted me. _Yet I knew that wasn't true. She never wanted this. Not my wrath, not her blood under my nails, not my stealing of her innocence… Not this madness and this pain. She never knew this was what came with me. She never knew this was what I was. It was too late to take it back.

It was too late to make her forget.

X

_I wear this crown of thorns,_

_Upon my liar's chair,_

_Full of broken thoughts_

_I cannot repair._

X

_Have I gone too far? _This thought echoed in my mind, but I could never answer it. Even with my body alive and mind hazy, a writhing pink-haired girl beneath me, this thought was left unanswered. Scars on her hips and thighs; bite marks on her chest and stomach and throat; bruises on her arms she had to lie about… She no longer cried, no longer complained softly when I hurt her, no longer hid her face and covered her eyes when I devoured her… She watched and guided me and let me do as I pleased. The look in her eyes haunted me more than my memories now.

"I'm sorry," I said once, but was drowned out by her cries of fulfillment, the only reward for my insanity, my cruelty. The way she sunk her nails and teeth into my skin, dragged her nails down my back, wrapped her legs too tight around my waist… "_Yes,_" I hissed, "_Sakura…_ Keep doing that." Shuddering breaths and gasps and moans were my haven, as was her body and kisses and whispering words, my name on her tongue and a desperate plead…

_Have I gone too far?_

X

_Beneath the stains of time,_

_The feelings disappear._

_You are someone else,_

_But I am still right here. _

X

He was growing up, becoming stronger, and changing with the ever moving tides I ran in terror from, afraid of drowning. He jumped right in while I had run. He had come to terms with himself while I tried to shove it all away. And I remained the same. Was it shame I felt of myself or happiness for him? I couldn't tell anymore. All that mattered now was that sweet liquid, a sharp blade, and Sakura… Pink hair, soft skin, green eyes, and her ever-welcoming arms.

"Sakura, Sakura, Sakura…" I sang like a mantra, as if she were my savior. Perhaps she was. She helped me forget, more than any drug or wound. Did I love her or was I just obsessed? I couldn't tell anymore.

X

_What have I become,_

_My sweetest friend?_

_Everyone I know goes away_

_In the end._

X

"Stop doing this," he begged one day. Those sapphire orbs were shiny with unshed tears and I would've scoffed, but I was too far gone. There was a pain in his eyes I did not understand. I thought I'd understand all kinds of pain. But this was a pain for someone else. He was hurting because I was hurting. He sympathized with me. But I didn't want that. I didn't want _anything _from him. Who was he to tell me what to do? Sakura slept soundly in my bed, worn out from the night before. And I glared at him from my kitchen, bare as the day I was born, displaying all that I'd hidden so carefully for so long. He showed no disgust, only pure worry. Kind, friendly, warm worry that pierced me deeper than any blade.

"You don't understand," I growled. And he didn't. He never would. I didn't want him to.

"I don't want to," he whispered. He turned his back on me and left me there, seething and reaching for a knife.

_More, _I thought. _More._

X

_And you could have it all,_

_My empire of dirt._

_I will let you down._

_I will make you hurt._

X

She hated me.

Her eyes burned with it as I fucked her. Oh, it was so much better to think of it that way. I was _fucking _Sakura in my bed, and that's all I'd ever do to her. But the fact of the matter was she was still in love with me. It was a bitter sweet truth that slipped beneath the surface as our skin slid over one another, as our hips moved together and our sweat mixed together.

"Is it because you hate yourself?" she asked as I thrusted into her, harsh and rough as always. I was never gentle. Never could be. Her nails scraped down my back, drawing blood, making me groan in a sick mix of pain and pleasure, pounding faster. I didn't answer. I never could. She always hit too close to the mark. And I felt a guilt I shouldn't have been feeling. I sunk my teeth into her left breast, over her erratic broken heart. She gave a sharp cry. "Is this how it felt like?" she asked when I licked up the hot liquid, red as the eyes that haunted me.

"Yes," I gasped, letting salty tears soak her hair. "Yes."

X

_If I could start again,_

_A million miles away,_

_I would keep myself,_

_I would find a way._

X

She healed over time. I made sure of that. She could never fully understand, but I didn't want her to. Her eyes never were as innocent as before, but the wisdom there comforted me every bit as much as the scars on her body. "It wouldn't have been like this if…" she said one day as we watched pink petals flutter through the wind gently, petals that matched her hair. Squeals and laughter filled the air around us as children played in piles of flowers. "…If you had told me earlier…" Her hand interlaced through mine, but she did not look me in the eyes.

"I couldn't," was all I said. A kiss on her forehead and the warmth of her arms coaxed, "I love you." It was a desperate confession. My heart could take no more sadness, no more wounds. Just Sakura and her smiles and her sweetness. She was all I needed, all I craved, all I hungered for; my drug, my knife, and my cure. She made me forget. Made me feel.

But she said nothing back.

X

**A.N.****: I've never cut myself or done drugs. But I suppose this is how it would go. I read a book called "Willow", about a girl who cut herself after her parents died in a car accident, a car she'd been driving. A guy named…well, Guy, helped her through it. So I used some of that. And the song was a huge part of it. It was originally by Nine-inch-nails. But Johnny Cash did a cover, and it had so much more feeling behind it. I almost cried the first time I heard it. If you close your eyes and listen to the song by yourself, it really hits you deep. It was the last song Johnny Cash did. Broke my heart.**

**Song: Hurt**

**Artist: Johnny Cash**

**I do not support people cutting themselves. Don't do it. It's wrong. **


End file.
